YOUR 2016 CHILI CHEFS
Chef KATHLEEN WRIGHT
Hell Hath No Fury Chili
Chef Kathleen “The Great” Wright
Bio: I’m baccccckkkkkk….. with my newly concocted “Hell hath no fury” chili. Last year was a lucky year for old Marko. He thinks we are on an “even” playing field now, with so many combined wins (thanks Darb’s for creating such a great award for me) I can’t keep track. This will be the year of truth, to tally it up and settle the score.
Kathleen’s Chant/Fight Song: I’m in/ It’s on/ Bring your best game/ Marko… and Darb’s / 😛
Warning: It’s a whole new game.
Chef CURT GENEAU
Big House Chili
Chef Curt “Virt” Geneau
Bio: It’s been 12 long months in the Big House for Virt. After being convicted of Chili Murder last year, the judge threw the cook book at him! Once in the slammer it didn’t take long for the other inmates to find out he had put macaroni in his 2015 chili cookoff entry. Fearing for his safety the warden put Virt into solitary confinement. All seemed lost until a guard slid a small worn cook book under his door. Although jaded and skeptical, Virt started reading the good book and once again allowed chili back into his heart. His year long sentence is now up. Is Virt in fact a reformed chili chef? Has he learned a thing or two during his time in the slammer? Will he stir a pot of chili once again? Will he pass go, and collect the title of Chili Champion 2016?
Curt’s Chant/Fight Song: Take’n it to the Man.. One hot pepper at a time!
Warning: Ain’t no death row pardons this year!
Chef GORDON B COOKE
Lucifer’s Tears Chili
Chef Gordon B Cooke
Bio: The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
Gordon’s Chant/ Fight Song: The Power of Christ Compels You (repeat as necessary)
Warning You will regret this.
Chef MARK LEWIS
Texas Butt Hole Burnin’ Treat
Chef Mark “Tex” Lewis
Bio: The Texan has entered the fray for the first time this year. Hailing from God’s Country, Austin, Texas, I was born and raised on some of the world’s greatest chili and Tex-Mex food. World renowned establishments like The Texas
Chili Parlour, Chuy’s, and Matt’s El Rancho are but a few of the influences on my creation. I am living proof that not all things are big in Texas, but I promise to bring big taste to the competition.
Mark Oliver may be a 3 time champeen and his little gal Laura may love his meat, but there is a new sheriff in Town gunnin’ for the title.
Hook ‘Em Baby!
Mark’s Chant/Fight Song
The Chili of Texas is upon you,
All the live long day.
The chili of Texas is upon you,
You can not get away.
To not think you can escape it,
from night till early in the morn.
The chili of Texas is upon you,
Till Gabriel blows his horn.
Warning: Beware the Texas Twister doesn’t pick you up and throw you down the proverbial black hole of chili mediocrity. I’m a comin’ with both barrels a blazin’!
Chef A.J. Benoit
Benny’s “Award Winning” Bunk House Chili
Chef A.J. Benoit
Bio: “There is none of you but will hang me, or beat my chili, Christopher Columbus, Ponce de Leon, John Cabot, Francis Drake, Marco Polo and other scallywags have sailed the seven seas looking for a recipe to beat this here “Capt’n Cook” and nare a one has been able to come close to finding the guarded secret that I hold close in my grasp! Ye won’t shiver me timbers or knock me down so Beware, Beware Beware!!!! Arrrrrrrrrr……..
A.J.’s Chant/Fight Song: Arrrrrrrr……me teeth may be green but they’re all mine
Warning: Arrrrrrrr…….. I’ll have yer gizzards hangin’ from the highest tree come mornin’!
This year I will follow someone else’s recipe ingredient by ingredient, step by step.
Amy Melko, 2016
Chef BILL GONIDAS
WillyG’s Chilisious Romance
Chef “Wild” Bill Gonidas
Bio: Born of Greek immigrants, my introduction to exotic flavours started in my Mom’s 1st trimester. Rough estimates have me as cooking 1 million burgers, 25 thousand pizzas, 3 thousand turkeys, 750 prime ribs and too many other foods to count. I started at 5 on top of a milk crate in front of the grill and now, almost 50 years later I’ve graduated to Chief Chef of the Gonidis/ Leeder residence where many great critics live.
Chili Chant: Try it. It’s Willy Willy Good!
Warning: If you don’t have the love in your Chili, Go home!
Chef AMY MELKO
Scapegoat Chili
Chef Amy Melko
Bio/Rant
After five years of competition, I am still unable to retire from competition and rest on chili stained laurels. I’m tired of having a top ten chili. I’ve tried high end kitchen utensils, alcohol, and sabotage. Each attempt has the same unsatisfying result – a great tasting chili that is overlooked by the bland palate of a fussy judge.
If I fail this year; it will be on the merit of someone else’s chili. This is the year of the recipe. That’s right, this year I will follow someone else’s recipe ingredient by ingredient, step by step. A top ten chili will not be my failure. Instead, I will point my finger at a celebrity chef, place the blame on their recipe and hold my head high.
Amy’s Chant/Fight Song:
No one needs a chili chant,
‘Good Eats’ is where its at.
If someone else’s chili wins –
I can live with that.
It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault. . .
Chef PAUL DARBY
UNCLE BUD’s BINGBUSTER CHILI
Chef Paul “Uncle Bud” Darby
Bio: As you all know 2016 is the YEAR OF THE UNCLE BUD and to that regard I will be presenting UNCLE BUD’S BINGBUSTER CHILI into this year’s lucky 13th annual Oliver’s Chili Cook Off!-also known as the yearly GONG SHOW AT QUEENSGROVE The last few years at the GSAQ have been “MARKed” by substandard judging, high quality drink and distracting barmaids- these distractions have successfully impaired my ability to win this damn thing!! Notwithstanding my inaugural 3 PCC awards – won fairly and squarely before churching was allowed or voting for yourself! (Hello Kathleen- grrrrrr) With extraordinary perseverance I shall refocus myself to avoid all of the host’s unsportsmanlike distractions (except for the booze and the maids!) I have been preparing UBBC on some of the finest taste buds north of the Trans Canada and I will once again be dipping below the Kings Highway to share the goodness It’s like an Act of God!
Look out Chili Minions!!
UB
Paul’s Chant/Fight Song
If there’s something strange
in your CHILI POT?
Who ya gonna call?
BINGBUSTERS!
If your chili’s weird
and it don’t taste good
Who ya gonna call?
BINGBUSTERS!
If you’re seeing UNCLE BUD
running through your head
Who can ya call?
BINGBUSTERS!
Warning
FREE LESSONS FROM DMAC REALLY HELPED SAID NO MAN EVER
Chef DAVID WILKINS
No More Mr Nice Guy Chili
Chef David Wilkins
Bio: Born and bred in Brockville, I was introduced to white bread, Kraft dinner, plain donuts, warm sweet tea and bland chili. Those days are long behind me now. Having spent the past years developing a taste for the wild and worldly flavours of Cuba, Mexico and Central America. Move over and get ready to be introduced to the Chili that your momma warned you about.
Warning: Yes I’m sure your mommy thinks you make a very nice chili. Good for you I hope she’s not to sad when you bring it back home.
Dave’s Chant/Fight Song: “No More Mr Nice Guy” this chili is the best / You can thank me later, Now lets put it to the test / Never bland or boring you’d make it if you could. / So grab your spoon and wish that you could make yours half as good!
Chilies are brought down by their flaws.
Pamela Prince, 2016
Chef KENT SWIRSKY
Trump your Chili!
Chef Kent “kMan” Swirsky
Bio: 2016 is a year of change, not Caitlin Jenner change, but a changing of the Chili Champion.
For far too long there has been an inner circle of winners. It’s time to break out of the runner up category and into the Championship Jacket.
There will be no repeat winner this year. It’s time to engrave a new name on that trophy and it will read Swirsky.
For more Bio information please visit my blog or check out MySpace account, you can also follow me on ICQ.
Warning: Good luck, losers.
Kent’s Chant/Fight Song: Kman’s Chili, It’s the Best / Trumps your chili / And all the rest!
Chef AMANDA SIMMERS
ReBoot Chili
Chef Amanda Simmers
Bio: On cold winter nights, Chili chefs of years gone by remember the best year of the competition…2013…
Back then, Rob Ford was admitting to his crack use, Prince George was welcomed into the Monarchy, and Chris Hadfield was serenading us from the Milky Way. The years since have not been kind to this Chef’s Chili fortunes, and as I prepare for the battle of 2016 I draw inspiration from the many TV reboots upon the horizon… Full House, Xfiles, and yes! Uncle Buck!!!
If Uncle Jessie can find redemption, so can I! Haaaave Mercy!
Warning: Simmers is back in the game!!! No more cinnamon-sweetness!
Simmers’ Chant/Fight Song: (to the tune of the Full House Theme Song) Everywhere you look (everywhere)/ There’s a Darbs/ A Chipotle to hold on to/ Everywhere you look (everywhere)/ There’s the face of a Swirsky reserve champ
Chef GORDON SPRUNG
How Many Forks You Gonna Need With That Chili!
Chef Gordon “The Blender Breaker” Sprung
Bio: The GRLLMSTR is coming your way. My vast experience at the grill has given me a unique perspective on the best way to make chili and I am excited to bring that knowledge with me to the Oliver’s Chili Cookoff.
Warning: May the forks be ever in your favor!
Gord’s Chant/Fight Song: May the forks be with you! / From a kitchen far, far away the forces of Gord have spent 2 years in hiding in order to develop the best chili. / This one will bring balance to the cook off when the Mark side is defeated. / Truly the Forks have awakened!!
Chef PAMELA PRINCE
Long Overdue Liberated and Legalized Chili
Chef Pamela Prince w Sous Chef Chris Prince
Bio: Last year, our Anything But Conservative chili was a contender, but alas failed to make the podium. Y’know, generally speaking, we are quite pleased with how things turned out in the long run. So this year we have used good sense, thoughtfulness and decency in the pursuit of balance in a clearly strident, lop-sided chiliverse threatening to be dominated by bullying mindless dogmatic chiliheads who believe that greed is good and entitlement is de rigueur.
Here is a lesson to be heeded by seasoned and novice chili makers – chilies are brought down by their flaws. With this in mind, we avoided having only one ingredient trump, dominate and/or dictate what a good chili should taste like. We have embraced diversity, plurality and above all extreme good taste in concocting a chili that reflects our multiplicity and gustatory sensibilities. We have struck a balance between social and economic needs and avoided constructing senseless walls and mean-spirited labelling of uniquely traditional ingredients as medieval or tribal. In fact, our chili is made of exquisitely complimentary ingredients that are fair and just so all can enjoy our “Long Overdue Liberated and Legalized Chili.”
See you at 4:20!
Warning
This Liberated chili will never stoop to negative propaganda!! Peace and love to the Chiliverse!
Pamela’s Chant/Fight Song:
Ho Ho Hey Hey
This chili’s goin’ all the way!
Liberated and legalized
This chili’s gonna take first prize.
High times for all and fun aplenty
Join the party at 4:20!!
“There is a void to be filled in the addictive substance delivery chain.”
Dan Reistma, 2016
Chef DON LEWIS
Primevil Chili
Chef Don Lewis
Bio: This round-the-world chili experimentator is back after his award-winning display last year in Best in Show and this year is expanding his talents beyond the gridiron. Known to push the boundaries with his ingredients and secret spice concoctions, this east-end Brockvillain is looking for some actual competition for BIS Chili. Bring it On.
And As the Dos Equis Dude says, when I slurp chili, I always go for Primevil.
Warning: I thought after last year that Best in Show was going to be renamed given the all-surpassing never-before-seen-splendifority diplayed but alas, not so … am back and this year aiming for the big chili pepper who hosts and somehow seems to always win?!?
Don’s Chant/ Fight Song: Get a / taste of this Modern Stone Age Chil-il-i / and You’ll / have a / Yabba-dabba-doo / Good Time!
Chef DAN REISTMA
El Chapo Chili
Chef “Hunky” Dan Reitsma
Bio: Now that El Chapo has been captured AGAIN.. there is a void to be filled in the addictive substance delivery chain. I have been developing a chili so addictive, governments around the world are mulling over the idea of classifying it a controlled substance. This recipe will have them running back for more… and then running home to take care of business.
Warning: Hey Oliver!!! What homer judge did you line up this year. Its like watching those refs at a Montreal Canadians game.
Dan’s Chant/Fight Song: Chants are for chumps / Stand back and / take in the / awesome.
Chef RICH SZYDLO
Phoenix Chili
Chef “Burning Man” Rich Szydlo
Bio: All around great guy. President of the Brockville chapter of the Totally Awesome Club. Membership of 1.
Warning: Don’t stand so close to me, or your the one who will get burned.
Rich’s Chant/Fight Song: Like the mighty, mythical Phoenix, this year’s chilli will rise from the ashes of last year’s hot, burnt mess. Hail Chili!! Hail Phoenix Chili!!
“The last few years … have been ‘MARKed’ by substandard judging, high quality drink and distracting barmaids.”
Paul Darby, 2016
Chef CHERICE CHANT
Netflix & Chili-e
Chef Cherice Chant
Bio: Last year my chili was beaten out at the last minute. Losing to Mark has haunted me the entire year – Cold Sweats, Nightmares, Spontaneous bouts of Crying. After countless hours of therapy, I’m back with a vengance! There is no pride in Second Place.
Cherice’s Chant/Fight Song: Mark Oliver’s chili won’t be the winner/ It tastest just like a TV dinner! / You can bet your money / My chili won’t be runny / Do not be silly / Come eat by winning Chili!
Warning: Go tell your mom!
Chef MARK OLIVER
Hotel Chilifornia
Chef Mark “Chili Master” Oliver
Bio: With last year’s third chilled-out win, Mark reached the dizzying heights of achievement on par with only a Cordon Blue Professionally Trained Chef Kathleen Wright: Chili Chef Master.
Yes. In previous years, there have been some chefs flash in the pans. Some near misses. Some outright flukes. Cherice Chant is always a force in the top drawer to be wary of. Kent Swirsky tees it up every time. Pete Atkinson chases the glory like a live ball in the end-zone. Best advise the champ can give everyone: Take it Easy. Because on Feb 6th, there’s going to be a Heartache Tonight.
Mark my words: When the newbies and grizzled veterans enter Chili Stadium this year, they will all be humming a different tune, “This could be heaven, or this could be Hell.”
It will be Hell.
Mark’s Chant/Fight Song: And in the Master’s Chambers / They’ll gather for the feast / Mark will be standing at the head of the line / The line from best to least.
Warning: Competition in this year’s Oliver’s Groundhog Day Chili Cookoff may cause blurred vision, memory loss, hurt feelings and a year’s worth of great memories.
Chef DEREK MACDONALD
Golden Chili
Chef Derek “Stay Golden” MacDonald
Bio: What’s there to say besides announcing that the last time this incredible chili chef participated, I won the “Best in Show” division (even if I don’t remember it, it was a great honour). This year I am stepping it up like Canada did in the 2010 Olympics and I’m going to OWN THE PODIUM. Move aside Chili Chef’s, there’s only room at the top for one and this chili is going to shine all on its own and make it an easy decision for this year’s judges, even if I have to bribe with some FREE LESSONS!
Warning: The Champ Is Here
Derek’s Chant/Fight Song: ” FFFRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE LLLLEESSSOONNNNSSS”
“Losing to Mark has haunted me the entire year.”
Cherice Chant, 2016